Audition Excerpts for Harry Potter Parody

Need actors age 7 thru adult, and techies and helpers

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]-------- EXCERPT: Harry, Dobbie, Winky

HARRY (beating on the door) Uncle Vernon, Iím sorry! Please let me out, pretty please. Pretty, pretty please! ( Sees the furniture move)

(DOBBIE & WINKY jump out. Winky is drunk, carries a bottle of butterbeer & wobbles around.)

DOBBIE (excited and lovingly) Harry Potter! It is your friends Winky and Dobbie. Harry Potter does not need to scream like a frightened little girl.

WINKY (imitating Harry) Eeeek! (twirls and flops down)

HARRY You startled me. Canít you knock?

DOBBIE Dobbie is sorry. Dobbie will pour red ants into his ears for punishment. But Dobbie has a message.


DOBBIE Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!

HARRY POTTER Oh, not this AGAIN!!! I've told you over and over, Dobbie. I must go back to Hogwarts! Learning magic is my life!

DOBBIE Learning magic??? No! No! Harry Potter must not make another movie!


DOBBIE Harry Potter is getting too old for his character. (squirms) He... He.... He...

WINKY (hollers) Looks ridiculous!

HARRY What??? I look ridiculous? You think I look ridiculous?

DOBBIE Itís not your fault, Harry Potter. Itís... Itís.. Aaaaah! (whacks his own head with fists)

HARRY Dobbie! Stop it. (grabs Dobbie's wrists)

WINKY Itís nothing! He does it all the time.

HARRY Dobbie! Dobbie! Tell me what's wrong!

DOBBIE Dobbie almost spoke ill of his master. (grabs a shoe from floor and hits self)
Bad Dobbie! Bad Dobbie!

WINKY (imitating ) Bad Dobbie! Bad Dobbie!

(HARRY yanks shoe away from Dobbie. DOBBIE runs and grabs a chair or large object raises it to hit himself.)

DOBBIE Bigger punishment!

HARRY Stop it Dobbie!
(Yanks big object away.
Dobbie holds his head moaning.)
Your master? Do you mean the Malfoys? But they arenít your masters anymore. Remember? Dracoís dad gave you that dirty sock and it set you free!

WINKY (laughs, puts on Harryís big shoes and clops around) Dobbie told me that story. That sock sounds disgusting!

DOBBIE (looks at Harry) Dobbie has another master. A higher master. Dobbie will never be free. None of us will.

WINKY Covered in snake slobber and blood. Disgusting! He still wears it. (takes off a shoe and inspects it)

HARRY What? Who is this higher master?

WINKY Never washes it. Stinky! (falls back, snores)

EXCERPT: Harry, Dobbie, Winky, Ron, Hermione

HARRY Ron! And Hermione! This is great! How did you get here? Did your dad magic another Muggle car?

RON No, Mum would never let him. Says itís too dangerous if Fred or George or I get ahold of it.

HARRY So how did you get here?

RON We hitch-hiked 80 miles. Got robbed twice and beaten up once. Escaped a car wreck by crawling out the shattered windshield before it exploded, and hid for 3 days in a septic tank while a motorcycle gang looked for us, but never used magic!

HERMIONE (proudly) I wouldnít let him! Iím not getting expelled!

HARRY Wow! How did you get up to my window?

HERMIONE Shimmied up your auntís climbing roses. (they show red spotted hands)

RON Got some bloody sharp thorns on them.

HARRY (looks closely, concerned) Oh, thatís awful!!! If you tore any of them down sheíll have a fit.

HERMIONE (mad) Thanks for the empathy, Harry. (sees Winky) Ooooh! House elves!

WINKY Iím off duty! Bandage your own bloody hands!
HARRY Stop arguing! Did you come to rescue me or not?

RON (sarcastic) Oh, yeah, Harry. Your situation looks really desperate. Two house elves to take care of you.

HARRY Theyíre just visiting!

HERMIONE Your own room, a bed, clean clothes, meals. I havenít touched a pillow for a week.

RON Mind if we rest our starved and infected bodies for a minute or two before carrying you off?

HARRY Oh, sorry guys, sure, take a load off.

RON Hmmmm.... house elves. Say, Harry, ask your little friends it theyíd apparate us to my house. They could do it easy.

HARRY Good idea! Dobbie, Winky, could you do me a favor and apparate me and my friends to the Burrow?

DOBBIE If Harry Potter promises not to make another movie...

HARRY I canít do that, Dobbie.

RON Hey Dobbie. My house is real messy. You could get in some good floor scrubbings.

DOBBIE (excited) Ooooh.. Scrubbing??

HERMIONE Oh, yeah! And the sink was full of dirty dishes when we left. Iíll bet they are still there!

WINKY (skips to her) Oooooh! Dirty dishes? With baked on crust?

WINKY & DOBBIE Baked on crust!!!
(DOBBIE & WINKY dance happily.)
DOBBIE - Dobbie and Winky want to thank Harry Potter for the wonderful vacation he gave us.

HARRY - Vacation?

DOBBIE - ( fondly remembering) At the Burrow! Scrubbing the mildewed bathroom walls, .... Scraping spoiled leftovers out of the refrigerator....

WINKY - Rick's bedroom was the best! His sheets were brown with filth!

RON - Uh, yeah, Rick.. Rick is such a slob.

HERMIONE - Uh,.... We're all glad you enjoyed your stay, but ...

RON - At Rick's house! We'd better get to class.

DOBBIE - And Dobbie and Winky had better get back to the Hogwarts kitchen.

WINKY - Before those other house elves wash our share of the breakfast dishes! The greedy grabbers!

]-------- EXCERPT: Peeves, Dobbie, Winky

PEEVES' VOICE - Come here little piggy, come here little fool, come get your sweets on the first day of school.
(Suddenly something big and dangerous
falls from the ceiling like a
box painted like a huge stone brick.)
Works perfectly! Hee-hee-hee! Now to get set for the first student.
("Brick" or whatever rises (on fish line)
all the way up.)

(WINKY and DOBBIE ENTER running, looking up.)
DOBBIE - Mister Peeves! What mischief is you up to now?
(CRASH! Brick falls again,
narrowly missing house elves.)

WINKY - Eeeek! Peeves! You almost killed me! You bloody, blister-faced, pox infested-- (Dobbie interrupts) -- pitiful excuse for a poltergeist!

DOBBIE (shushing or covering her mouth) Shhhh! Winkie. There is children around.

(BIG BRICK begins rising again.)

WINKY (sarcastic) Oh, yes, protect the chilllldrenn. (mutters to herself) ...stupid children....

PEEVES' VOICE - (singing) Protect the wee children the sweet girlsies and boys,
Diaper their bottoms and clean up their toys.

WINKY (screaming ) I'm not diapering any bottoms! (Zapping with her fingers) Spritzer-Ditzer! Zap!

PEEVES' VOICE - Aaaaack! (Big Brick falls.)

DOBBIE - (shocked) Winky! That is some powerful magic!

PEEVES' VOICE Oh, twisted, vicious little house elf! You has messed with my miasma.
(sounds of extreme disgust and nausea)
I cannot escape! I'm suffocating......

DOBBIE What did you do to him?

WINKY - I turned him into a spritz of room de-odorizer.

DOBBIE Winky! You is brilliant! So everywhere Mr. Peeves goes, piney freshness will follow?

WINKY - Better. Lavender.

PEEVES' VOICE - (screaming) Lavender!!!! It stinks!
Just kill me now!

DOBBIE & WINKY - (hollering) You're already dead!

WINKY - Ha ha!

PEEVES' VOICE - (screams fade away)

EXCERPT: Harry, Hagrid, Ron, Hermione

HAGRID - Have you seen my Fluffy? Hereís his picture. I miss him so much. (ad lib)

HARRY - Hagrid!

HAGRID - H'lo Harry.

HARRY - Did you lose... one of your.... pets?

HAGRID - Well, um, yeah, but please don't go telling that itís me that put these up. I was sorta in violation of the leash law.

RON - (sarcastic) Hagrid in violation of Dangerous Magical Animal Regulations? Oh, that's a first.

HERMIONE - (to Ron) As if you never broke a rule! Hagrid, has your pet been missing long?

HAGRID - No, just since yesterday morning. When I saw that gaping hole he chewed through the spiked log fence, I just kicked myself for running out of dead oxen to feed him. I'm sure he just got hungry.

RON - I can understand that.

HERMIONE - That Hagrid blames himself?

RON - No, getting hungry.

HARRY - (reading the flyer) Hagrid, it says here that he is sweet and playful.

HAGRID - And they are. Sweetest little things.

HERMIONE - Things? Plural?

HARRY - And needs medication?

HAGRID - Rabies vaccination. Veterinarian didn't finish the job when I brought him out.

(Kids look at each other with worry. Ron looks at flyer with childish drawing of a puppy face with a neck that strangely curves off both sides at the bottom suggesting the other 2 heads.)

RON - Hagrid, what is this picture? Did you draw this? Are those.... Bambi eyes????

HAGRID - (snatching it back) You draw something better, why don'tcha!! Listen I gotta go. Gotta put these up and get back to teach class. (EXITS)

RON - Yeah, we'll keep an eye out for him.
(They all look around,
then pull out wands defensively.)

HAGRID (ENTERING) Whoís that foul mouthed little girl I seen running past? I didnít even recognize her but she called me some nasty names, she did.

HERMIONE That was Professor Snape, Hagrid. Ron accidentally spilled a shrinking (or "gender change") charm on him.

HARRY & HAGRID Oh, they can fix him up at the infirmary. Ha ha! We said it at the same

HARRY -- time.

HARRY & HAGRID Madame Pomfrey will just use the old Ė

HARRY -- essence of bullfrog croak.

HAGRID Thatís a good trick, Harry.
HARRY & HAGRID Howíd you do it?

HARRY Iím hearing a voice that tells what is happening right when it does.

HARRY & HAGRID Rather obnoxious it is.

HARRY And now you are wishing you could pick me up and shake me.

HARRY & HAGRID No I wasnít.

HAGRID Shut up!!

HARRY I already did! After hearing that last thought.

HAGRID The one about wringing your neck and tossing yer head to Buckbeak?

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