How to AUDITION for The Wizard of Oz

Information, Links and Audition Scripts

Lyrics & Music for Auditions
Ecstatic Theatrics in Fort Wayne, IN
Tucson Red Barn Theater performing this Feb 2014
See Munchkinland Video Clip

Auditions are Sunday, Jan 19 at 5pm,
and Monday Jan 20 at 4pm, at the Red Barn Theater, 948 N. Main, Tucson, Arizona.

Red Barn Theater, 948 N. Main Ave., Tucson, AZ 85705
Director Jeannette Jaquish: 260 750-9013 -- -- Red Barn Theater: 520 622-6973

This New "Wizard of Oz" is a wonderful script and is always a hit when performed. It performed in Fort Wayne, Indiana, three separate times at the Firehouse Theater between 2007 and 2009, and at the Main Library and St. Francis College in 2012.
Beginning in 2014, Ecstatic Theatrics will find a stage and do a set of performances annually.
If you would like to help, please contact us at 260 484-5946.

See Video Clips of the Munchkin scene.

CHARACTERS
Dorothy - a sweet girl who keeps getting in trouble because of her temper and creativity
Auntie Em - struggling to keep Dorothy out of trouble and run the farm
Uncle Henry - A dry witted old guy
Professor - Gatekeeper - Wizard - Gets by, whether it's selling vacuums, filtering out the riff-raff, or inspiring the citizenry to open their horizons, by dazzling tricks of manipulation.
Glinda - a beautiful delicate fairy lady in combat boots and a broom that means business
Scarecrow - bumbling loveable, smart without knowing it
Tin Man - sincere with a quirky way of looking at things
Lion - terrified, blubbering, but courageous when Dorothy is threatened
Munchkins - Squeaky, funny little people very cheerful after being freed
Flying Monkeys - Screeching terrifying, silly, fun loving little monsters.
(Flying Monkeys can also play Munchkins)
Emerald Citizens - Winky Guards-Tornado Dancers and Tumblers, and perform a hilarious parody play of the Wizard of Oz. They also do other creatures: trees, monsters, and FX and set changes.

Lyrics & Music for Auditions
AUDITION SCENES
Pictures are from a 2008 performance at the Firehouse Theater in Fort Wayne, Indiana.
Photos by DidierPhotography.com


UNCLE HENRY and AUNTIE EM

UNCLE (ENTERING) - Emily! Emily!

AUNT - Henry! Wipe your feet! I just cleaned that floor.

UNCLE (wipes feet on Auntie Emís clean rug) - Come out and see the sky, Emily! One of the clouds looks just like your Aunt Clara with the big jaws and the Jiffy Pop hair --

AUNT - Henry! Have you seen Dorothy?

UNCLE - Uh, yeah. I seen her and Toto climbing the lower 40 cornfield fence. (points)

AUNT - What??? I sent her to the orphanage with a box of old clothes.

UNCLE - Well, I saw her goiní the other way. (points)

AUNT - Henry! Could she be running off?

UNCLE (sitting) - What??? Cause of that trouble at school? Naw, that was nothing like what she called her teacher last year. (chuckles) What a vocabulary!

AUNT - Or the year before. Dorothyís gotten too obstinate. Getting paddled doesnít deter her anymore. (goes to him) Iím worried, Henry. Please go find her. Iíve got a cake in the oven and clothes to hang -- I canít leave now.

UNCLE (groan, standing) - All right. Hey! Whenís that cake gonna be done?

AUNT - Itíll be done when itís done. Now go find her.

UNCLE - Just hoping itís chocolate.

AUNT - Go! ( gives UNCLE a push.)

UNCLE - Iím goiní! (EXITS)


DOROTHY & AUNTIE EM

DOROTHY - Auntie Em! I canít find Toto. Can you help me find him?

AUNTIE EM - Dorothy! Iím busy. Canít you look for him yourself?

DOROTHY - Canít you help me? He always comes to you because you feed him and give him scraps.

AUNTIE EM - Which is supposed to be your job, Dorothy. How did he get out?

DOROTHY - Gate got left open.

AUNTIE EM - Who left the gate open?

DOROTHY - Oh! I was in a hurry and my arms were full. Oh, please, Auntie Em.

AUNTIE EM - Donít give me that hound dog look, Dorothy! Use your brains. Where does Toto always go when he gets out?.

DOROTHY - Oh! Miss Gully's garden! That mean old witch! Sheíll kill him! (EXITS>

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WIZARD-PROFESSOR, AUNTIE EM

PROFESSOR Good afternoon, madam.
Are you harried with housework? Done in by dirt?
Well, I, Professor Whistler F. Osland, certified expert in windbagging technology have just the solution: The newest scientific breakthrough in housekeeping technology that will make your cleaning day a breeze! (He reaches in his pocket and dumps a handful of foam rubber chunks on the throw rug.)

AUNTIE EM What are you dumping on my floor??

PROFESSOR Fear not!. This, my fine lady, is
The Cyclotron-amatic 1000
electric vacuum sweeper!,
featuring a 20-cycles per second, SIX! Ė count Ďem! Ė SIX-bladed propeller!
This marvel of science will create a powerful spinning updraft of air that will swiftly lift that debris from your rug, leaving it cleaner than it has been since you bought it many, many years ago.

AUNTIE EM This rug is nearly new! My husband just gave it to me last month for my birthday!

PROFESSOR ..... And.....since Iím sure you havenít HAD many birthdays, that must have been a memorable occasion, and after my demonstration of the Cyclotron-amatic 1000 electric vacuum sweeper, youíll be overjoyed to see your birthday present, in its original condition, once again, clean and bright. (looking around holding cord) Now, if youíll just direct me to an electrical outlet I will demonstrate how simple is its operation.

AUNTIE EM It had better be simple, because we donít get electricity way out here.

PROFESSOR (After a drop-jaw look of desperation, he pulls a bicycle pump out of the suitcase.) Not to fear! The Cyclotron-amatic 1000 has a manual hand pump that I will throw in for free.

AUNTIE EM (advancing on him) A hand pump???? Are you out of your mind? Walking into a personís house and dumping dirt on their floor???

PROFESSOR (retreating and holding up the bike pump as a shield) Iím sorry, madam, but I canít do the demonstration without dirt!



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MISS GULLY / WITCH, AUNTIE EM, DOROTHY

MISS GULLY Are you crazy? I was not talking about the dirt! There is plenty of that around this place!
And thank you, No, concerning the demonstration. I find a broom much more useful. I use it to defend myself against vicious dogs!

DOROTHY Auntie Em! She was beating Toto with that broom! He was crying! (Miss Gully twists her ear.)
Ouch!

AUNTIE EM Let go of her ear, Elmira!
(Dorothy runs to Auntie Em. To Dorothy:)
What happened?

MISS GULLY I'll tell you what happened! That dog dug up my garden! Destroyed my prize azaleas!

DOROTHY No! Toto doesnít dig! He has delicate paws!

MISS GULLY He pulled down a cherry pie I had cooling on the window sill.

DOROTHY Toto canít jump that high. Heís too old and fat!

MISS GULLY And he yanked down my clothesline and dragged it through the mud!

DOROTHY No! No, he didnít! Toto didnít! He didnít! He didnít! He didnít! He didnít! He didnít. . .

(TOTO ENTERS through the open door, his head through a garment still attached to a clothesline which also contains bloomers, slips and tights or nylons. Flowers are tucked in his collar and a pie pan hangs from his back.)

DOROTHY (shock) Toto!!! You didnít!!!! (She grabs Toto and pulls off laundry and secretly gives him a treat.)

MISS GULLY There! The evidence for all to see! Delicate paws, indeed!

---

AUNTIE EM Oh, my goodness! (following him to gather and toss after him, anything he leaves, closes door) Really, Elmira! It was just a clothing catalog! You beat that poor man.

MISS GULLY I will not tolerate abuse from man or dog. And this dog has to go!

AUNTIE EM (sarcastically) Go! Go where?

MISS GULLY To the pound!
(with sadistic pleasure) To be destroyed!

DOROTHY (on her knees) No! No! It was my fault Toto got out! Punish me instead!

AUNTIE EM Stand up, Dorothy. Now, Miss Gully. I understand why you are upset. We can pay you for the ruined pie, and flowers and laundry.

DOROTHY Oh, Auntie Em! You donít have that kind of money!

MISS GULLY I should say not. Those were prize azaleas.

DOROTHY No they weren't! They never won any prize!

AUNTIE EM Dorothy! Be quiet! Take Toto and go outside.

DOROTHY Where should I go?

AUNTIE EM Just Ė Just go somewhere and STAY OUT OF TROUBLE!

DOROTHY Yes, Auntie Em. (EXITS thru door)

AUNTIE EM I can give you the money in the cookie jar, Elmira. Then maybe we could make monthly payments.... Weíd better go talk to Henry..... Age before beauty..

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MISS GULLY-WITCH, PROFESSOR-WIZARD

PROFESSOR (stepping forward) Pardon me, dear ladies! This dirt on the floor is my fault. I was about to demonstrate the new Cyclotron-amatic 1000 electric vacuum sweeper! Do you perhaps have electricity at your house? And a very long extension cord?

MISS GULLY Are you crazy? I was not talking about the dirt! There is plenty of that around this place!
And thank you, No, concerning the demonstration. I find a broom much more useful. I use it to defend myself against vicious dogs!
----

MISS GULLY There! The evidence for all to see! Delicate paws, indeed!

(PROFESSOR lifts up the clothesline, displaying the under-garments. MISS GULLY is humiliated.)

PROFESSOR I am shocked! These are terribly old fashioned for a woman of your youth and style. Let me show you a catalogue of the latest fashions from New York...

MISS GULLY Unhand my undergarments!
(She whacks him with the broom chasing him out, as he tries to ward off blows and take his vacuum & suitcase.)
Iím going to call the Sheriff and have you run out of town!

PROFESSOR Ow! Iím leaving! Ow! Ow! (EXITS)
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DOROTHY, PROFESSOR-WIZARD

PROFESSOR The lenses are to my prescription. Custom made. (looks) Crystal clear to my eyes. Letís see, there is your house, and there is Auntie Em in the front yard.

DOROTHY My house is that way.

PROFESSOR Light refraction. Itís the weather. Whatís this? Sheís crying?

DOROTHY Crying?

PROFESSOR And calling Doe or Toe- something.
DOROTHY Dorothy? or Toto?

PROFESSOR That must be it. And a truck is pulling up.

DOROTHY From the dog pound!

PROFESSOR Three big burly men are jumping out! Auntie Em is talking to them. Now they are looking around the yard. Oh no, theyíre getting angry.

DOROTHY Oh, dear!

PROFESSOR Theyíre grabbing her! Dragging her into the truck!

DOROTHY (terrified) What?? Theyíre taking Auntie Em instead of Toto?

PROFESSOR Sheís kicking and scratching Ė what a fighter! But theyíre too strong for her. Sheís being overpowered! Theyíre stuffing her into the truck!!!

DOROTHY Oh no! Will they put her to sleep?

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AUNTIE EM, UNCLE HENRY

UNCLE HENRY Bessie! Ned! Thunder! Old Snort! Colonel Mustard! Princess Picadilly Pink!
(pulls on a manís shoulder) Come on, Mr. Footie Pajamas! Dang! Times like this I wish I hadnít let Dorothy name the livestock. Feel like a fool out here.

AUNTIE EM (ENTERING) Henry! I looked in the cellar! Dorothy is not there!

UNCLE HENRY Is she in her tree house?

AUNTIE EM Iíll go look! What are you doing?

UNCLE HENRY I'm trying to herd these stupid cows outta the barn so it doesnít fall on them!

AUNTIE EM Keep your eye on the sky, Henry! Donít get caught out! (EXITS)

UNCLE HENRY (Motioning toward audience) Come on move it! Stop staring at me and get moving! Stormís coming! Oh, you dumb cows! Iíll go save the poultry! (heads away)
Mr. Quackers! Polly Peck-a-lot! Rooster Cluckburn! (EXIT)
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GLINDA, DOROTHY

GLINDA (like a cop) Freeze! Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

DOROTHY (raising hands) What??? A witch? Iím not a witch! Iím not a witch good or bad! (turning slowly) Iím just a girl! My name is Dorothy Gale. Iím from Kansas.

GLINDA Keep the hands up! Where is your wand?

DOROTHY I donít have one! Iím just a girl, not a witch!

GLINDA (walking around her examining her, broom still pointing like a rifle) Likely story. Hmmm, it is a very good disguise, if you ARE a bad witch.

DOROTHY Iím not!

GLINDA Hmmmm..... Just what a disguised wicked witch would say..................

DOROTHY (politely and carefully) Uh... and what a non-witch young girl would say.

GLINDA True. (points broom at Dorothyís chest) What does love feel like?!

DOROTHY Love???

GLINDA (points broom up to Dorothyís face) Love.
-------
------

DOROTHY Iím afraid it was my house that caused all this destruction. A tornado dropped it.

GLINDA A tornado? I thought those were just fantasy. Weíve never had a tornado in Oz.

DOROTHY Oz?

GLINDA Yes! This is the Land of Oz. And right here, is Munchkin Land.

DOROTHY Munchkin Land?

GLINDA Yes. And the Munchkins sent me an urgent message: That a powerful witch dropped a house upon the Wicked Witch of the East.

DOROTHY The Wicked Witch of the East?!

GLINDA And there is the house, (points)
and here is the witch --or what is left of her (points) -- and here are you!

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MUNCHKINS, GLINDA, DOROTHY

GLINDA I would love to introduce you! People of Munchkin Land! You may come out!
(Munchkins come shyly out. Coroner inspects Witch.)
Do not be afraid! Come out!
I have wonderful news! The Wicked Witch is dead!

MUNCHKIN #1 The Wicked Witch is dead?

GLINDA Yes! Well, I think so!

MUNCHKIN #2 You think so???

MUNCHKIN # 3 With all due respect, Good Witch Glinda. Weíd like to know for sure!

MUNCHKIN #4 We want the Coronerís report!

MUNCHKINS Coronerís report! Coronerís report!

MUSIC: ďCORONERíS REPORTĒ (16 seconds)

MUNCHKIN # ____ (CORONER)
(With magnifying glass and document.
Marches up during music.)
As Coroner of Munchkinland,
I am happy to before you stand,
And announce that my examination
Justifies your jubilation,
This lab report is in, and say, I must: (dances)
This wicked witch has bit the dust!

MUNCHKINS Hurray!

DOROTHY I guess she wasnít very popular.

MUNCHKIN #5 Now thatís an understatement!

MUNCHKIN #6 But, Glinda.....(pointing at DOROTHY) Is this another wicked witch to take her place?

MUNCHKIN #7 Run for your lives!

MUNCHKINS Eeeeek! (they panic and fall down.)
------
-----

MUNCHKIN #5 Glinda? What date should we begin?

M#6 When Munchkin Land burped out of Donut Mountain?

GLINDA No, no - That was a million years ago.

M#6 When the Mayor split his pants dancing the Funky Flamingo at his birthday party?

MUNCHKINS Teee-hee-hee-hee!

M#5 That was yesterday! ---
----

HURRAH! THE WITCH IS DEAD
To the tune of ďTa ra ra boom de ayĒ, by Henry J. Sayers 1891
(Hurrah! verses are the ďTa ra ra boom de ayĒ part.)

(ta ra ra boom de ay:)
Hur-rah! The Witch is dead!
A house fell on her head!
She did not see it fall,
Because her hat was tall;

Hur-rah! The Witch is flat,
You should have heard the SPLAT!
It really shook the town,
When that house hit the ground;

CHORUS The Wicked Witch has bit the dust,
No regret and no disgust,
We will ride on top the hearse,
ĎCause now her breath can get no worse!

Hur-rah! Weíll tell the world,
This magic Dog and Girl,
Came down from outer space,
To save the Munchkin race!
-----
----------

M7 (stops suddenly) Uh oh.

MUNCHKINS What?

M7 Did anyone tell Dorothy to go AROUND the Dark Forest?

MUNCHKINS Oopsie.

M7 And to watch the skies for Flying Monkey attacks?

MUNCHKINS Oh dear.

M7 And did anyone warn her that the Witch puts deadly spells on flowers? So Dorothy should NEVER NEVER EVER smell one???

MUNCHKINS Oh NO! We blew it!

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WITCH, DOROTHY, GLINDA

WITCH (tossing sign aside) It IS true! Who is this ďDorothyĒ who killed my sister? Who killed the Witch of the East? Are you Dorothy? Answer me!

GLINDA Leave her alone!

WITCH (shoving her aside) Out of my way, Twinkle Face! So it was you, was it? You killed her with... with...? a HOUSE?
(She is suddenly stunned. She goes to look at the house.)
A house. A house!!! You killed my brilliant, powerful older sister with a creaky, termite-ridden old wooden house!????
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---------

WITCH What??? The shoes are gone! Where are they? They couldnít have just walked away! Shriek - Growl!!!
(Searches around, flushing the Munchkins out of hiding. They shriek and run terrified to hide somewhere else.
Witch can also search the feet in the audience.
The Witch now advances on Dorothy and Glinda.)
Glinda! This has your prissy name written all over it! Give those ruby slippers back to me, or I'll ---

GLINDA (pulling Dorothy to center, showing her feet)
It's too late! Dorothy has them and their power!

DOROTHY Oh! Shoes from a dead body! Get them off! (tries to kick them off.)

GLINDA Fear not, Dorothy. No germ could survive on those evil feet. The shoes are clean and safe.

WITCH (suddenly nicer) Oh, those shoes don't go with your outfit at all. And they are way too big. Looks like you stuck your feet in mailboxes. What happened to those cute little shoes you were wearing just a moment ago? I wish I could fit into those.

GLINDA She's blathering!

WITCH Shut-up! (nice again) But alas, only giant wart-covered , hairy feet like mine --

GLINDA Don't forget smelly!

WITCH I SAID SHUT UP! (nice again) Only giant wart-covered , hairy, smelly feet like mine are suited for ugly, orthopedic, boat shoes like those. Please give them back. I can hardly walk without them, my arthritis pains me so much.. owww (walks painfully). Please! Give them to me! Oww....

DOROTHY (reaches to take them off) Oh, poor thing!

GLINDA Dorothy! She's faking! Keep tight inside of them! Their magic must be very powerful, or she wouldn't be so desperate and nice, to get them!

WITCH Don't call me nice!
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SCARECROW, DOROTHY

DOROTHY A talking scarecrow. Is it possible?

SCARECROW Donít ask me. I havenít any brain.

DOROTHY How can you talk with no brain?

SCARECROW I havenít got muscles, bones or a circulatory system either.

DOROTHY I had my tonsils removed. Well! Hello! My name is Dorothy.

SCARECROW How do you do? You can call me..uh..

DOROTHY Mr. Scarecrow?

SCARECROW Hah! No! Thatís my dad.

DOROTHY Then just Scarecrow?

SCARECROW Perfect! How are you?

DOROTHY I am fine thank you, and you?

SCARECROW Oh, the truth of it, is I am bored to tears up here. The crows pick on me and Iím hanging on a stick. With a nail stuck into my neck. A rusty one. THAT canít be healthy! I donít mean to be a whiner butÖ

DOROTHY Oh, let me help you! Wow! Thatís not a nail - Itís a spike! And it goes right into your HEAD!

SCARECROW Really! Well that explains a lot!

DOROTHY I canít reach it.

SCARECROW Without a brain I canít analyze, but maybe if you just give me a shake. (She shakes the pole and he somersaults forward)
Woohoo! (Scarecrow bounces around, losing straw.)

SCARECROW Iím free free free! Ooooh, I feel dizzyÖ.(flops)

DOROTHY Oh! Oh! Your stuffing! (grabs and stuffs it back in)

SCARECROW (reviving) Oh, thanks. I guess I got a little light-headed there.

DOROTHY Youíve got to be careful! Here, letís tie up all your strings, and button all your buttons, so whatís in stays in!

SCARECROW Yep! (stuffing self) Better in than out! Thatís what I always say, or would say if I had any smarts, -- Like you! Goodness, I feel better! My my, it's good to be back on earth! (Scarecrow whirls about and falls over and bounces back up. ) It worked!

DOROTHY Wonderful! How long do you think you were up there?

SCARECROW Think? I canít think! Remember? The no brain thing?

DOROTHY Iím sorry. That was very insensitive of me. Does it bother you much?

SCARECROW You cannot imagine. And neither can I!
SCARECROWíS SONG:
ďWhat Itís Like to Have a BrainĒ
to the tune ofĒ Simple Melody-Musical DemonĒ
by Irving Berlin
composed in 1914, now in the public domain.

#1 Scarecrow (slow- Simple Melody):
When a guy is always blund-er-ing,
Head stuffed full of straw and pain,
Every goof gets him a-wondering,
What itís like to have a brain;

#2 Scarecrow (fast-Musical Demon)
With some Smarts in my noggin,
and my memory jogging,
I could tell you all right,
Why the sun wonít shine at night,
And barking dogs never bite;

I wouldnít Be dumb and dumber
If I wrote every number
Alphabetically,
And theoretically,
I could read in hind sight!

(SCARECROW DANCES)

#3 Dorothy (slow- Simple Melody):
Scarecrows usually protect the corn
Thru the sunshine and the rain
But you hang there feeling sad and torn,
Because you think you need a brain;

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TREE, DOROTHY, SCARECROW

TREE You were hungry!? Well, how would you like to have someone come along and pick something off of you to eat? (Grabs her arm.) What if I said, ďIím hungry! Iíd like a juicy ear to eat! Or a bite of nose? And this arm looks deeelicious!Ē

DOROTHY Eeeeek!

SCARECROW Hey, we get it! Let go of her!

DOROTHY That tree tried to eat me!

SCARECROW Come along, Dorothy -- you don't want any of those apples. Yuck!

TREE What do you mean - she doesn't want any of my apples? Whatís wrong with my apples?

SCARECROW Worms and rotten spots! Thatís what wrong with them! Yuck!

TREE... What???? How dare you insult my apples! (Throws apples) Take that! And that!
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TIN MAN, DOROTHY, SCARECROW

TIN MAN Oh, thank you! I've held that axe up for 7 years.

DOROTHY Oh, goodness! How did you ever get like this?

(Dorothy work his arms back and forth -- Scarecrow oils the rest of him. )

TIN MAN Well, usually I am very careful about keeping myself oiled, but one day about 7 years ago, while I was chopping that tree, I was so deep in thought that I didnít notice when it started to rain until, with a screech, my arm rusted. I took a step and screech Ė one leg rusted and then the other. I tried to reach for my oil can and scree-eeech my other arm rusted as well. I opened my mouth to yell for help and it rusted open. Iíve had 7 nests of baby birds hatch inside my mouth.

SCARECROW Oh, dear. I didnít know thinking could be so dangerous.

TIN MAN Oh, yes, thinking can get you into a lot of trouble.
And during 7 years of rust, Iíve done a lot of it. I know I should be happy that I can move again, but I still have that same old empty pain in my chest.

DOROTHY Why? What is wrong?

TIN MAN Thump on my chest and find out.

SCARECROW (FX-BANG) Beautiful! What an echo! My chest sounds like ďWhunkshĒ!

TIN MAN Would it have been so hard for the tinsmith to make me a heart, while he was making the rest of me?

DOROTHY You donít have a heart?

TIN MAN No.

DOROTHY Does it really bother you?

TIN MAN Well, Iíll tell you:

MUSIC: ďIf I had Heart - When a Gentlemanís ApparelĒ

(To the tune of ďGrandfatherís ClockĒ written in 1876 by Henry Clay Work.)

When a gentlemanís apparel is just an empty barrel,
with stove piping for pants;
And where a heart should be beating there is only metal sheeting
ĎTis a damper on romance;

Iíll admit it is appealing to anticipate a feeling,
For love or life or art;
I would thrill to the thump of that ever beating pump
If I had a heart.

chorus
Twenty years Iíve been rustering
FX: Creak creak creak
All my emotions mustering
FX: Squeak squeak squeak

But I stopped short, never to run again,
When the rain came down!
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LION, DOROTHY, SCARECROW, TIN MAN

LION Put 'em up! Put 'em up! Who wants to fight? I'll take you both on! I'll fight you with one paw tied behind my back. I'll fight you standing on one foot.
I'll fight you with my eyes crossed.
Iíll fight you with one foot in my ear and my tail tied around my head like a blindfold, and my --
(To Tin Man) Oh! Pulling an axe on me, eh? Roarr!

TIN MAN (falling back) No! Itís just a prop!

LION (To Scarecrow) Sneaking up on me, eh? (snarls) Feeliní lucky, punk?

SCARECROW (cowering) No. Definitely not.

LION (To Tin Man) Hold still! Youíre shaking like a baby rattle.

TIN MAN Weíre just passing through! Leave us alone!

(DOROTHY peers from behind tree.)

LION (To Scarecrow) Stand up and fight, you sickly sack of straw! Iíll knock you into next week.

SCARECROW Pick on someone your own size.

TIN MAN Set him right, Scarecrow.

SCARECROW You have the weapon.

TIN MAN (tosses the axe to him) Here.
(SCARECROW tries to pick it up but can't with comic effect)

LION Pair of lily-livered cowards! Well, maybe Iíll take a bite out of you! (leaps at Toto)

DOROTHY (slaps LION) No! Donít hurt my dog!

LION (crying) Ow! Whyíd you hit me? I didn't bite him.

DOROTHY You tried to you big bully!

LION Didja have to hit me so hard? Is my nose bleeding?
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---------
LION song:
ďLook at Me, a Scaredy-CatĒ
lyrics by J. Jaquish, © 2011 Jeannette Jaquish

(To the tune of ďThe Spanish CavalierĒ by William D. Hendrickson in 1881,
and ďSolomon LeviĒ, folk song from the 1890ís.)

LION: (tune of Spanish Cavalier)
Look at me, a scaredy-cat,
In my own habitat,
Terrified of butterflies and mutts,
But Iíd strut around and swagger
unafraid of sword or dagger,
Oh, if I just only had the guts;

Itís tough to be a milksop
When mouses make my heart stop
I hide the fact that I am afraid.
I could finally show my face,
No longer be a pantywaist
Oh, if I just only had the guts;

(tune of Solomon Levi)
Thoí Iím a Cowardly Lion, I know what a King should be,
Protecting rights,
In daring fights
for a land of liberty;

Majestic in my glory, Yes the Hero of the story,
Kicking their ifs, ands or buts,
If I only had the guts!

Look out! Itís Chuckie Norris!
Tra la la la la la la!
Karate King of the forest!
Tra la la la la la la!

Majestic in my glory, Yes the Hero of the story,
Kicking their ifs, ands or buts,
If I only had the guts!
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o




MONKEYS

MONKEY #3 (enters yawning) I overslept! What's going on???

MONKEY #2 The witch is mad! She sent Monkey Squad #1 to the Poppy field, but instead they went to the Puppy Field!

MONKEY #3 Oh, the puppies! I love the puppies!

MONKEY # 2 You wouldn't say that if the Witch turned YOU into a chew toy.

MONKEY #3 Eeeek!! Is that what she did to Monkey Squad #1???

MONKEY #2 Yes! And now she said to attack Emerald City. Come on!

MONKEY #3 Emerald City?

MONKEY #2 Well, maybe she said Mud Puddle City!

MONKEY #3 Oh! I love Mud Puddle City!

MONKEY #2 Me too! Let's go!
(THEY EXIT the other way.)
----
-----

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o




EMERALD CITIZENS, GATEKEEPER-WIZARD, DOROTHY, LION, SCARECROW, TIN MAN

DOROTHY (ding ding ding) Please sir. (He opens window) Glinda, the Good Witch of the North sent me!

GATEKEEPER Ha! Tell it to the tabloids.

SCARECROW Look! Look at her feet!

GATEKEEPER Her feet? Why? Is she a hobbit? Aaack! Ruby Slippers! Are you a Witch?

TIN MAN No she killed a witch! The Witch of the East!

LION Dropped a house on her! Splat! (claps hands in Gatekeeperís face) Just like that!

SCARECROW And Glinda gave her the Witchís shoes.

GATEKEEPER What??? Thatís the little girl who killed Munchkinlandís Witch???

(Voices from behind him:)
E1 Killed Munchkinlandís Witch? Hey Everybody! The girl who killed Wicked Witch of the East is at the Gate!

GATEKEEPER Now, now, Iím the gatekeeper! I take care of the gate!

E2 VOICE Let them in!
E3 VOICE Open the gate!
E4 VOICE I want her autograph!
E5 VOICE Me too!

GATEKEEPER Iím the Gatekeeper, and no one enters without my OK! The Great Oz has decreed it!

E1 They weíll go out!

(Emerald City Residents come out thru gate.)

E2 Are you Dorothy who killed the Wicked Witch of the East!
DOROTHY Yes.

E3 Itís all over the news! How did you do it?
DOROTHY It was an accident. My house fell on her.

E4 Oh, she is so humble! Listen to her!
DOROTHY Awww.. it really was an accident.

E5 What were you wearing?

DOROTHY Uh,.... this?

E5 Oh, dear. What a shame. Why donít you visit my shop...

E1 (to E5) Oh be quiet! Sheís a hero! (To Dorothy) The Great Oz will certainly want to meet you!

E2 Do you have a fan club? Is this Toto? Does he?

DOROTHY No! Neither of us do

E3 Iíll start one for both of you! And be its first member!

E4 Iím second!

E5 Third! Third! Iím third!

GATEKEEPER Enough! Enough! I am the Gatekeeper! (ALL quiet down.)
What is it you want from the Great Oz?

DOROTHY & PALS Umm. Umm..

GATEKEEPER Well!?

SCARECROW Brain?
TIN MAN Heart?
DOROTHY A way back to Kansas?
LION (sobbing) Courage!

GATEKEEPER I think youíve confused the Great Oz with Santa Claus! Goodbye! (slams window closed)
E1, 2, 3, 4, 5 Awwww!

E1 Hey! I have an idea! Letís start a petition asking the Great and Powerful Oz to grant Dorothyís wishes!

E2 Iíll write the press release!

E3 Iíll organize a huge bake sale and a fun run!

E4 Iíll write a letter to the editor! That always works!

E5 Great ideas! What could go wrong?

WITCHíS LOUD VOICE Eeeheeheeheehee!

LION (panicking) Aaaack!

E1,2,3,4,5 (pointing to sky above the rear of audience) Itís the OTHER WICKED WITCH!
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o




WIZARD, DOROTHY, SCARECROW, TIN MAN, LION

OZ SILENCE! The Great and Omniscient Oz knows why you are here. Dorothy! You miss your family in Kansas!

DOROTHY Yes! I do!

OZ What makes you think they want you back?

DOROTHY Oh, I, I,

OZ You stir up trouble and then run away! You leave your poor old Aunt to suffer the consequences! What kind of selfish child would do that?

DOROTHY Oh! (starts crying) I didnít meant to cause trouble. I had to save my dog!

SCARECROW (runs to protect her) Here ! Here! Dorothyís no troublemaker! She did what she had to do!

TIN MAN (runs to Dorothy) And she killed the Wicked Witch of the East and freed the Munchkins!

OZ RIDICULOUS!
(The blast knocks Scarecrow & Tin Man down. )
Killing some insignificant witch in a clumsy accident, and becoming a local pop star doesnít impress the Great Oz! Who dares to speak so impudently to the most Powerful Being in Oz? Tin Man!

(DOROTHY & SCARECROW runs to side.)
TIN MAN (standing) Yes?

OZ You want a heart.

TIN MAN Yes...?

OZ You mournful metal mutant! Only a magnet could be attracted to you! How dare you ask my superior abilities for such insipid idiocy! Scarecrow!
(Tin Man retreats, Scarecrow tumbles forward.)

SCARECROW Yes?

OZ You need a baling machine, not a brain. Make yourself useful and go feed a cow! Lion!
(Scarecrow retreats, Everyone pushes Lion forward.)

LION Uh Ė uh Ė uh

OZ You frumpy, flopping, frightened feline! Get up here and show me why you deserve some courage.

LION Uh Ėuh Ėuh (faints)

(The OTHERS run to LION.)

DOROTHY (in righteous temper) You should be ashamed of yourself. Scaring the wits out of him when he was asking you for help!

OZ Silence!!! The Good and Generous Oz has every intention of granting your requests!

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WITCH (to the tune of "Little Girls" from Annie)

Monkey Brats, monkey brats
Everywhere I look I can see them
Monkey brats, monkey brats
Night and day I eat sleep and breathe them

Iím an ordinary witch with feelings,
Iíd like to spread terror everywhere
But who will flee? When all they see
Are these screeching morons flapping Ďround the air?

How I hate monkey wings, monkey tails
and all that monkey whining,
-- Monkey 4: Can I go potty? (Monkeys laugh)
(Monkey 4 EXITS but can sneak back in for rest of song, exiting right before the finale.)
Iíd have cracked years ago
If it werenít for my days off flying.

Some witches are surrounded by felines,
Some witches are surrounded by bats,
Lucky me, lucky me, look what Iím surrounded by:
Monkey Brats.
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MONKEYS, WITCH

MONKEY # 4 (entering) Wicked Witch! Wicked Witch! I have news!

WITCH (running to it) What is it ?

MONKEY # 4 (sassy) Three guesses!
WITCH Three guesses how Iíll cook your carcass if you donít tell me!

MONKEY #4 Eeeek! Dorothy and her friends are climbing the mountain!

WITCH What!? They are coming here!
MONKEY #4 Yes! Yes! Yes! Do I get a cookie?

OTHER MONKEYS (terrified) OoooooohÖ..

WITCH Yes. You do get a cookie. (Gives cookie)
MONKEY # 4 Eee eee eee ee ! (gobbles it)

OTHER MONKEYS (screeching & jumping) I wanna cookie!

WITCH SHUT UP!!!! (Monkeys roll backwards.)
(Intense calm:)
If you want a cookie, instead of BEING TURNED INTO MONKEY-SHAPED cookies, you will listen to these instructions:
(Monkeys gather attentively)
Spread your moth-eaten wings and fly (blasts them with her bad breath) into the Haunted Forest and snatch up that girl and her dog.
Do what you like with the others, but I want her alive and unharmed!
Take special care of those ruby slippers. I want those most of all. Now, fly! Fly! Bring me that girl and her slippers! Fly! Fly! Fly!

(MONKEYS EXIT excitedly as Witch cackles. She stops, sensing something, turns around to find MONKEY #2.)

WITCH What??
MONKEY #2 If you turn the other monkeys into cookies, can I have one?

WITCH Get out of here!!!!
-----
-----

DOROTHY Run, Toto, Run!

MONKEY # 5, 6 & 7 (ENTER dancing across & singing)
Who let the dog out? Woof! Woof ĖWoof Woof!
Who let the dog out? Woof !Woof-Woof Woof!

WITCH Zippity-zap!
(MONKEYS are knocked off their feet.)

WITCH Go catch that dog!!!
(MONKEYS EXIT screeching.)
------
------

DOROTHY Oh, IĎve got to get loose! The moon is almost above the trees!

MONKEY #5 Eeee eee eee eee! Use your feet to untie it!

DOROTHY I canít use my feet. I canít even take off my shoes. Would you help me, please, Little Monkey!

MONKEY #5 Oh, no! I would like help you to but I canít! Iím under a spell. If I disobey the Witch, or hurt her in any way, Iíll turn to mud!

DOROTHY Oh, how terrible! Glinda said the witches used evil magic to control the forest creatures. I guess you are one of them.

MONKEY # 5 I miss the forest. We used to play all day.

DOROTHY The Munchkins told me.

MONKEY # 5 You know the Munchkins?

DOROTHY Yes, I met them. They are very sweet.
WITCHíS VOICE The moon is almost above the trees! Heee hee hee hee!

MONKEY #5 The Witch! Sheíll kill me if she catches me talking to you!
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o




WINKY GUARDS

WINKIE 1st to speak: Isnít that one of Dorothyís friends?

WINKIE 2nd to speak: Arenít they supposed to be hiding? Do you think itís an ambush?

WINKIE 3rd to speak: Naw. Weíd have to be idiots to fall for that. Get him!
-----
----

DOROTHY Youíre not angry?

WINKIE #2 No. Youíve freed us from a miserable life. Just think! No more marching around the castle.

WINKIE #3 No more attacking and pillaging!

WINKIE #4 No more getting zapped! And smelling her breath! And getting whacked with her broom!

WINKIE #1 Thank you Dorothy! How can we repay you!

DOROTHY Oh! Oh! Her broom! May we have it?

WINKIE #2 Of course! Take it!
----
---

(to the tune of "Ta ra ra Boom deay":

Shazaam! The Witch has died!
Nobody has to hide,
She gave an awful scream,
And then went up in steam!

Shazaam! The Witch has fried!
Was she electrified?
Our problems are all solved,
Because she was dissolved!

CHORUS
Never, ever more will we,
Suffer in anxiety,
MONKEYS Or Monkeys in Captivity!
Join us in festivity,

ALL Shazaam! Weíll tell the world,
This magic Dog and Girl,
Came down from Arkansaws,
To save the Land of Oz!

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o




MONKEYS, DOROTHY

DOROTHY Oh, but now, (yawn) Iím so tired. And we have to walk all the way back to the Emerald City.

MONKEY #1 (jumping up) No you donít!

ALL MONKEYS (jumping) Monkeys to the rescue!

(On their line, each Monkey runs to Dorothy, then turns to face the audience.)

MONKEY #1 You can sleep here! And Iíll make breakfast! Banana pancakes!

ALL MONKEYS Yummy!

MONKEY # 2 Weíll make you comfy beds! And jump on them to make them soft!

ALL MONKEYS Jump jump jump!

MONKEY # 3 And fly you to Emerald City in the morning! Weíll do loop-de-loops!

ALL MONKEYS (twirl) Wheee!

MONKEY #4 And then we can play in the Munchkin Forest all day!

ALL MONKEYS (Cheer!)
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o




LITTLE WITCHES

REPESTRA (ENTERING with wand and no hat) Tristilda! Did you turn my black kitten into an ugly black warthog?

TRISTILDA Your stupid kitten wouldnít attack for me, so I changed him into something that would.

REPESTRA I donít want a warthog sleeping on my bed!

TRISTILDA Shut up, Repestra! Iím working on my magic slippers Ė They have to be perfect Ė perfect like me!
ďHair that is plucked
from a Leprechaunís head,
Fine pixie dust swept from under the bedĒ
Magical slippers dipped in fairy blood red,
Stay on my feet until I am dead.Ē

REPESTRA I donít care! Your giant toad ate my new hat! And burped it out! Itís disgusting! I canít wear it!

TRISTILDA Well, donít leave it floating in the air! He probably thought it was a giant fly!

REPESTRA Ooooh! I hate you!

TRISTILDA I hate you more! And Iíll prove it!
Joy of Otter, Turning Hotter.
Make this Girl Allergic to Water!
Zap! Now leave me alone or I will dump this cauldron of water on you!

REPESTRA You didnít make me allergic to water!

(TRISTILDA dips a finger into her cauldron and flicks a drop of water onto REPESTRA.)

REPESTRA Ow! It burns! You made me allergic to water!
Now I canít take baths! Or drink anything but vinegar. Iíll be smelly and sour! Remove the spell!
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WIZARD,

OZ - How dare you insult the Great Oz! The Great and Terrible Wizard of Oz!
I am busy with important inter-galactic issues!
Issues beyond your feeble comprehension.
(Dorothy opens curtain. He jerks it back. Over and over...)
I am the Great and Magnificent Wizard of Oz!
Go away and come back in three months!
Go away before I make it three years.. or three centuries!
The Great Oz has spoken!
----
----

DOROTHY You should be in trouble! How long have you been pretending to be a wizard?

WIZARD Many years. Many indeed. I was a young man when my hot air balloon drifted down to the beleaguered village that the Emerald City used to be.

DOROTHY Your hot air balloon?

WIZARD Let me begin from the beginning. I was born in Omaha.

DOROTHY Omaha? Nebraska? Thatís near Kansas!

WIZARD So it is. I left home too young, and found jobs where I could, using my wits to get me into, and out of, a great many situations.
Eventually, I found profitable work as a balloonist for the Bungling Brothers Circus Bonanza. People came to see my balloon and stayed to see the circus.

SCARECROW Good story. Howíd you get to Oz?

WIZARD A pair of circus monkeys. The little imps got loose and undid the knot, or chewed through the rope and set the balloon free.

TIN MAN (shaking head) tsk. Monkeys.

WIZARD Those two monkeys are the ancestors of the flying monkeys now endemic to Oz, for they rode that flapping rope all the way here. Their wings were magically added by the Witch of the East to use against her younger sister as they battled for Munchkinland.
-----
----

WIZARD - Mr. Lion. You are ashamed because you flee from danger. That is not cowardice. It is wisdom. True courage is doing the right thing when you are afraid, and that kind of courage you have in abundance.
---------
-------

WIZARD (standing on landing) Good people of Oz! Beloved Munchkin neighbors! Valiant Flying Monkeys!
I, your Wizard, displayed to you now in a holographic human image, am about to embark on a celestial journey to visit my brother wizards in the cloud cities of the sky.
----------
----------

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GLINDA, DOROTHY

GLINDA You don't need to be helped any longer.
You now have your own power to go back to Kansas.

DOROTHY My own power? How did I get it?

GLINDA By using your own wits, bravery and love when it seemed you had nothing else. They have a magic all their own. Now, those ruby slippers will take you home in two seconds!

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WIZARD-PROFESSOR, AUNTIE EM, UNCLE HENRY, DOROTHY

UNCLE HENRY (ENTERING) Is she hurt?

AUNT EM I canít wake her!

UNCLE HENRY Didja shake her? (he does)

(AUNTIE EM looks at him in disapproval.)

DOROTHY (waking) Oh, Auntie Em -- it's you!
Uncle Henry! And Toto! You made it back with me! Oh! And the house! The house came back too!

AUNT EM (patting her head) Yes, yes, dear. Weíre all here.. and the house too. Oh my, Henry! She has a bump on her head the size of a chicken egg!

DOROTHY Auntie Em! You escaped from the dog pound!

AUNT EM What??? I escaped from what??? Child, you have had a strange dream.

PROFESSOR (ENTERING) Hello? Hello? Pardon me, the door was open. In fact itís ripped off its hinges and floating in the duck pond. I was just checking on the little girl. I saw her running home just before the tornado hit.

UNCLE HENRY She got a big bump on her head. Couldnít wake her up. Thought we were gonna lose her.

PROFESSOR Well, sheís bright eyed now.

DOROTHY Oh, you did lose me! The house flew up in the tornado and it crashed on top of a witch in a strange land and there were little people and flying monkeys!

PROFESSOR What a setting! I should write that down, turn it into screenplay or something.
Oh, speaking of good settings... I passed by a rescue crew and the local newspaper photographer. It seems your neighbor, a Miss Gully, got swooped up by the tornado and deposited high in a tree. ((makes big photo gesture)
Sheíll be 3 column front page tomorrow.
(AUNTIE EM tries to hide a giggle)
I told the newspaper photographer the tragedy of Miss Gullyís laundry and your little dog and he said heíd be over this afternoon to get the details. He seemed very sympathetic to your cause.

DOROTHY (recognition) And you were there!

PROFESSOR Yes, right under the tree.

DOROTHY No in Oz, the land I went to.

AUNT EM The vacuum sweeper salesman was in your dream?

DOROTHY It wasnít a dream!

PROFESSOR What was I doing in your dream that wasn't a dream?

DOROTHY You were a powerful Wizard, but you were really a big faker, and you made us promises and then broke them, but then figured out a way to keep them after all.

PROFESSOR Well! Thereís more truth there than I care to admit. I think you have a career in fortune telling my dear.

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